This is a copy of a talk I gave in church in October 1997. I'm now divorced and no longer active in the Church, but this talk still captures much of my belief.
I would like to start by reading Alma
32:26-27:
Now, as I said concerning faith--that it was not a
perfect
knowledge--even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of
their surety at
first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a
perfect knowledge. But
behold, if ye will awake and arouse your
faculties, even to an experiment
upon my words, and exercise a
particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more
than desire to
believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in
a
manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
I
shall return to this passage in a little bit. It was my wife
that
first got me interested in the Gospel. At the time, I was a
fairly new
member of a local Baptist church, and with the zeal of
a new convert, I was
sure that my decision for Christ had been the
right one. When I found out
that Carrie and her boyfriend of the
time were LDS, I decided that it would
be a good idea to learn
more about the Latter-day Saints and their beliefs.
So I went to a
local Christian bookstore and picked up a book on
Mormonism. It
was, of course, an anti-Mormon work. I knew that I should not
take
the inflammatory remarks too seriously, but what facts I could
confirm,
I was able to, usually from Mormon sources, and on a few
occasions,
confirmation came right out of Carrie's mouth. Hateful
and mean as the
anti-Mormon works were, I apparently could come to
no other conclusion than
the Church was not true.
If only I could leave it at that.
But I could not. I soon found myself
trying to convert Carrie and
my friend away from Mormonism, using the facts
that I had
gathered, inviting her to confirm them for herself. On one
occasion
that I remember, she did try to confirm or deny certain facts
found
in the anti-Mormon works. She came back shaken; my facts
were dead on. But
she did not give up her faith, either in Joseph
Smith or the restored Gospel.
I actually wound up envying her
faith and hating it for its emotional
simplicity.
But there were a few things that I
liked very much about the Mormon
gospel. To begin with, I liked
the idea of celestial marriage, wherein one's
family could be
sealed for time and eternity. Likewise, I liked the idea of
the
degrees of glory described in D&C 76, since it fit my conceptions
of a
just God far better than the either heaven or hell theory of
most Christians.
I also liked the command to "seek learning,
even by study and also by
faith." I definitely came to the
point where I desired to believe.
And yet I could not. Always
hanging at the back of my mind were those
anti-Mormon works which
got their facts right. Faith is not a perfect
knowledge, but the
Latter-day Saints' faith is based on verifiable
information. The
Latter-day Saints themselves were the ones who suggested
that
faith must be grounded in reason, else why should they
actively
encourage learning at all? My studies had thus far shown
that the Gospel of
the Latter-day Saints could not be true.
This problem intensified somewhat
when Carrie and I started dating and
talking about marriage.
Throughout this time, we kept on discussing our
faith openly, and
we encouraged each other solely on the basis of commonly
held
beliefs. But Carrie wanted the temple, and that meant I had to become
a
Latter-day Saint. And this I could not do unless I could be
convinced from
the facts that the Church was what it said it was.
We had many arguments
over this point; I insisted that she had to
prove that the Gospel was true if
she expected me to accept it.
She tried, and she tried hard. She
checked out books from her Institute
library. She bought
Sorenson's An Ancient American Setting for the Book of
Mormon.
Through a friend of her family's, I received a little book called
Why
I Believe by George Edward Clark. I dutifully read everything that
she
got, and rejected them all. Few of them addressed the problems
I had with
the Church, or glossed them over. Sorenson may have
achieved plausibility
for placing the Book of Mormon lands where
he did, but he never approached
the probability demanded by
archaeologists.
So we always reached an impasse,
with neither one of us getting anywhere.
We even broke up for a
short while, but our love drew us back together. Our
problems
remained. We were both convinced that God wanted us to marry
each
other. But Carrie remained convinced that she was to marry in
the temple,
and I was sure that it did not matter.
Lets go back to Alma 32 and read
verse 28:
Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if
ye give place, that a
seed may be planted in your heart, behold,
if it be a true seed, or a good
seed, if ye do not cast it out by
your unbelief, that ye will resist the
Spirit of the Lord, behold,
it will begin to swell within your breasts; and
when you feel
these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within
yourselves--It
must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is
good,
for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten
my
understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to
me.
Actually, even a good seed must be placed in good soil,
or, even if the
seed is good, it will not grow very well. The soil
must provide the right
nutrients. It was not the seed that was
bad. The only soil I had was the
soil of the anti-Mormon books
leaving its undeniable hold on me. As I said,
I had the will to
believe, I just did not have a reason to believe.
Part of the
problem was my view of the Bible. Like most conservative
Baptists,
I viewed the Bible as being completely inerrant. 1 Ne. 13, 2 Ne.
29,
and the eighth Article of Faith were direct attacks on the Bible,
and
often used as an excuse for ignorance. One time, Carrie used
the excuse of
"mistranslation or missing parts" one too
many times, and I yelled at her
something to the effect of, "Don't
try to hide behind that excuse ever again!
Unless you can offer
hard evidence that something is missing from the Bible
or that
mistranslations have not been corrected, I don't ever want to hear
it
again!"
She never did that again to this
day. If I still harbor any resentments
of any kind from this
period, it is this: Latter-day Saints try too often to
get around
problems with the Bible by assuming the mistranslation or removal
of
certain parts. This begs the question, never resolves the
problem.
Having looked into the issue very carefully, I have no
choice but to conclude
that the Bible is basically reliable.
And this is was the key. The Bible
is basically reliable, but it is not
completely inerrant, as I had
been led to believe. This nearly undermined my
whole faith in
Christ.
It was a book meant primarily for
Catholics which finally gave me some
good soil in which to plant
the seed of the Gospel. It pointed out to me
many new spiritual
insights which I could reconcile a Bible with errors of
fact
without undermining faith in Christ. It also pointed out a few
things
about the nature of prophecy and inspiration that I had
never even thought of
before. I was now well on my way not to
Catholic faith, but to a knowledge
of the restored Gospel.
With the idea of complete inerrancy
taken care of, I could look at the
Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints with new eyes. There were still
several problems
with Church history that needed to be taken care of, and so
I
turned to newer sources to resolve these problems. The turning
point,
ironically enough, came when I read Fawn Brodie's No Man
Knows My History.
Where she saw evidence of fraud, I saw evidence
of inspiration from God.
Finally, I had a good seed, planted in
good soil, and starting to swell
in my breast. Back to Alma
32:
Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto
you, Yea;
nevertheless it hath not grown up to a perfect
knowledge.
But behold, as the seed swelleth, and sprouteth, and
beginneth to grow,
then you must needs say that the seed is good;
for behold it swelleth, and
sprouteth, and beginneth to grow. And
now, behold, will not this strengthen
your faith? Yea, it will
strengthen your faith: for ye will say I know that
this is a good
seed; for behold it sprouteth and beginneth to grow. And now,
behold,
are ye sure that this is a good seed? I say unto you, Yea; for
every
seed bringeth forth unto its own likeness.
"Behold,
I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things,"
said
Moroni, "that ye would . . . ponder it in your hearts.
And when ye shall
receive these things, I would exhort you that ye
would ask God, the Eternal
Father, in the name of Christ, if these
things are not true; and if ye shall
ask with a sincere heart,
with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will
manifest the
truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by
the
power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."
Did
you know that the Hebrews considered the heart the seat of
the
intellect? This passage could easily read, "Ponder it in
your minds."
Moroni was telling us to ponder it in our minds,
to study it out, then ask
God for confirmation of the Holy
Ghost.
Oliver Cowdery was told the same thing in April 1829 while
he and the
Prophet Joseph Smith were working on the Book of
Mormon. D&C 9:7-8 reads:
Behold, you have not understood;
you have supposed that I would give it
unto you, when you took no
thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say
unto you, that
you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it
be
right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn
within
you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.
In
March 1836 at the dedication of the temple at Kirtland, Joseph
Smith
offered these words as part of his prayer:
And as all
have not faith, seek ye diligently and teach one another words
of
wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom, seek
learning
even by study and also by faith. (D&C 109:7)
Notice
how study again is first. By study and by faith. It was a long
and
sometimes torturous path for me. But I finally gained a testimony of
the
restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am convinced that Joseph
Smith was a
Prophet inspired by God. Moreover, I have a testimony
that diligent study,
hard work, and performing an experiment will
eventually lead to a perfect
knowledge, if guided by faith.
I opened with Alma, and I will
close with Alma. The final verses of
chapter here offer me the
same hope that it should offer you who are willing
to nourish the
word by study and by faith:
But if ye will nourish the word,
yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to
grow, by your faith with
great diligence, and with patience, looking forward
to the fruit
thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree
springing
up unto everlasting life. And because of your diligence and
your
faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that
it may take root
in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the
fruit thereof, which is most
precious, which is sweet above all
that is sweet, and which is white above
all that is white, yea,
and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast
upon this
fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall
ye
thirst.
Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your
faith, and your
diligence, and patience, and long-suffering,
waiting for the tree to bring
forth fruit unto you.
I leave
these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.